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Because you can judge a movie by its trailer. That’s sort of why they make them.

Okay, so I think we can all agree that Nicholas Cage needs to stop. Next, Knowing, The Wicker Man, Ghost Rider, Bangkok Dangerous, The Sorcerers’ Apprentice (seriously, America, if you’re going to cast Monica Bellucci, give her some freaking lines!) The closest thing to a good movie Cage has starred in since I was in High School was National Treasure 2. The only thing saving him from being Harrison Ford right now is the supporting role he landed in Kick-Ass.

So, let’s take a look at the next thing he wants us to sit through.

Never trust a movie with a song for a name. Especially when that song has nothing to do with the apparent plot of the movie. Though, I applaud the restraint of the company that put this together in not using the Donovan.

Okay, the first thing I’m noticing here is the poorly CGed backgrounds. Which seems nitpicky, but backgrounds are one of the easiest things to CG. Sometimes you’re making 300 and you can get away with backgrounds that look CG, but only because everything else looks sort of weird and it fits together. I swear, I think I saw a green pixel in Cage’s hair, at one point.

Next, the clips are split between a middle eastern desert (which apparently gets a blizzard all of a sudden) and a north European mountainside. If you think these two regions have anything relevant to do with each other, you’re kidding yourself. It’s in the movie for the trailer. A nice big combat sequence to make the whole seem more action-packed than it will be.

So, what will they be doing if not engaging in bloody, bloody combat? Well, Cage is delivering a witch to be burned; something that’s apparently true (from that little flame trick with the torch). However, Cage is dubious about the evil factor in this poor man’s Keira Knightley (also, that wagon? Rip off of Antoine Fuqua’s King Arthur). So, lots of “Oh, wait, our medieval religion isn’t tolerant enough.”

And despite the ham-fisted good vs. evil vibe the titles are putting out there, I guarantee this is going to be yet another sloppy criticism of religion, with fight scenes.

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